When I imagined the type of mum I would be, I knew that talking would be a big part of it. I'm a chatterbox, an oversharer, have no filter etc. I knew that I would rarely pause for breath when with the kids, and hoped that they would be as chatty as I am. What I hadn't anticipated was the total codswallop that so often exits my gobby orifice. Here are some of my greatest hits...
1. “Have you got a sore bot bot? Does mama need to change your nap nap? Lie down on the mat and mummy will put special cream on my darling baba’s bot bot with my handy.”
WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN? Gross.
2. “Why don’t you try the (think of any unappealing vegetable and add the word “chips”) - for example:
“The parsnip chips.” (Feasible). “The carrot chips, special orange ones!” (Possibly...) “the broccoli chips” (possibly if tenderstem... why is it so much better?!) “the sprouty chips...” (I give up).
3. “What was that noise? Do you need a wee? Was that a fart? Was it a wet fart? Do you need a poo?” (Repeat x 2859395 times when on Grandpa’s new sofa...worry child is getting neurotic. Worry more about Grandpa’s non-washing machine friendly upholstery).
4. “Can I play being Nanny Plum? I don’t want to be Ben Elf any more.” Nanny Plum has got sass. If I’m going to have to do imaginary play, at least let me have a wand that won’t quit.
5. “If you don’t do your teeth now they might turn black and fall out NOW!” I’m not proud of this one. But I’m human. And I was snappy and tired. And it worked. But man I felt bad.
6. “E to me: “Did I pop out of your hairy bit (it’s all very seventies at the moment) mummy like a ball? Just POP out?” “SURE.” Because what else do you say to a 3 year old?!
7. Said somewhat nervously, and with more than a hint of dread:) “Is that chocolate/ mud or poo on your jeans?” If you know, you know.
8. “I’m so sad to say that we can’t get any replacement batteries for Dinosaur Roar-they were very special ones that Father Christmas gave us and the elves have got to make more...” on the bulls***ometer this ranks fairly high.
9. “PLEASE STOP LICKING THE...” think of anything that could lead to a nasty rash/ funny tummy and they’ll have licked it - stones, mud, a chair, a table, each other’s hair...
And the special one...
10. “I love you both so much. You make Mummy feel happy. BIG CUDDLE TIME.”